Friday, 2 March 2012

hanging on

it's the eve of an important shoot I've been planning for months, my head is hazy with tiredness and an amount of self inflicted pressure to produce work of a high level... I should be finishing off checking my bags and making sure all batteries are on charge, but like every evening, my brain is still working and churning thoughts and ideas, whilst my body yearns for rest...

It's been a difficult time recently, because I often look back and see how hard I've been working to get to my goals.  I tend not to dwell on successes and just trundle ahead, but occasionally the strain of difficulties gets to me and brings me down.  I do not find the technical side of photography difficult, and I thank God I have been blessed with the ability to learn fast.  I find the dealing with people occasionally difficult, particularly when dealing with people who are judgemental and think they know me or what I can do.  I've been snubbed so many times recently, and sometimes I find it hard to ignore things and steam ahead and focus on the bigger picture...  The physical and emotional strain of creating work that defines a portfolio, and of generally being ahead of the competition can be great.

Often, when I lay my head on the pillow, I fall asleep quickly, however my brain races on in the night, and I visualise concepts that are floating in my head... I travel far and somehow, people I only just got to know get to meet people I have always known, and complicated stories fill my sleep.

The night before I had a visit from a person that is close to me in some way.  I was aware of their presence and I know I was crying in my sleep.  When I woke up I knew something had happened as my face was blotched and my eyes were red, as if I cried all night.  I cannot recall who the person was or even if I know them... however I know what they said to me and that was the most important thing for me as they told me to hang on... life is tough, hard and difficult and people can be nasty, however, I now know I will get there.

A part of me is sorry that I cannot recognise the person who came to see me, however it does not matter, as they left me the important message they were sent to deliver....

I just wanted to say thank you for caring, for letting me cry and be me, and for giving me courage.  You so know how much I needed that... x

Followers

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